I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
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Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
…..pretty much.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.