Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
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Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.