Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…๐๐๐ถ
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Why canโt I track the Grubhub driver AFTER heโs given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Iโm flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Hereโs a list of all the things my toddler doesnโt fight me on:
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no itโs because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists โThe Art of Warโ as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone whoโs family plays charades at holiday gatherings
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom youโre occupying, yell โCASH ONLYโ
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
โGive me your hand!โ
โBut-โ
โYouโre gonna have to trust me!โ
Itโs as if the guy in the next stall doesnโt realize this is a competition
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”