Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
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you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
This meal prepping shit easy
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.