I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
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I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
crying
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I missed you with all my darts
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.