HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I’m confused about plants
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.