Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
How to make infinite energy.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I was up all night reading about insomnia
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup