[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
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Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“I FIXED IT!”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.