i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
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8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
😂🤣😂🤣
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.