Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
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My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant