I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
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nothing like a slow cooked sausage
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
FRED: right
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide