Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
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Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Would you wear it?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
So the ex texted me
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf