ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
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Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?