What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
You Might Also Like
Best seat on the street 😍
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
*offers Batman cough drops*
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭