My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
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If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Natty or not?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it