Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
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Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.