Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
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Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster