Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
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“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.