[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
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Drive as I say, not as I drive.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
then why did i get this email
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Godspeed, John Glenn
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Omg 🤣