When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
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2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…