I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
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Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.