animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
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It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
dude it’s called proctologist
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof