What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
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Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.