Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
What?
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere