ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
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There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
is this store having a stroke wtf
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0