My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
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There’s only one good girl here!
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day