welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
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If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Story of my life…..
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.