Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
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I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I know
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
There’s no “u” in narcissist
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”