The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
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My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do