Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
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I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
i smell a pulitzer
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
A fake ID that makes you younger
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits