ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
You Might Also Like
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I only treason on days ending in y
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Hey i am sexy to you now
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.