hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
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We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.