Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
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Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Effort made
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Shoo shoo! 😂
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch