Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
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how many bears make up a bear minimum
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Always…
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐