As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.