Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
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You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
bout dat hot dog summer
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station