MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
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Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it