Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
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Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.