[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
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*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
is this a threat
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!