*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?