Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
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A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game