Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
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My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
New mindset, who dis?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic