Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
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ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
awesome draft from months ago i just found
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
craving $300 all of a sudden
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.