Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
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It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
there has never been a better use of this meme
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
me and the Superbowl rn
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?