Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
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Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”