I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
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I’m crying im so happy for them
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
It was worth a shot 😂
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire