You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
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ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Get off my horse you stupid moon