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Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.