My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
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Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
*looks at you in batman voice*
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I’m putting together a team
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡