me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
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“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?